The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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