my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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