I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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