Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
