apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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