I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
where are my eyebrows?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
