im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
