my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
