i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
