ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
