oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
