The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
