i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
