i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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