I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
