so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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