I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
