So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
