the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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