Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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