I hate your face
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
