My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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