is your mom at the bar?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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