Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
