I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
