I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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