I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
