There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
