Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
