Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
