Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
