i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dignity is for republicans.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
