how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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