i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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