If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
