Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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