I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
