I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
