The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Enjoy the penises
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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