Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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