I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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