When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
