Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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