did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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