I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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