Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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