I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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