Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
