Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
