just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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