Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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